


When the Glitter Fades

by fiveainley_ohmy, Geritashipper123



Series: There’s No Business Like Show Business [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Angst, Greatest Showman AU, I'm Sorry, Medical Procedures, Multi, No seriously I cried while writing this, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Period-Typical Sexism, Possible Trigger warnings inside, circus AU, fanfic of a fanfic, slight body horror, slight gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 11:44:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15885366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/pseuds/fiveainley_ohmy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: He never fell, never never never...... one should never say never





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fiveainley_ohmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Walking A Tightrope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348935) by [fiveainley_ohmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/pseuds/fiveainley_ohmy). 



> so folks if you haven't read Catie's AMAZING fic "Walking A Tightrope", what the fuck are you doing, go read that shit right now, It's a greatest showman au and you CANNOT look me in the eye and say you don't like that movie, sorry. 
> 
> This is a sequel, that takes place before the sequel catie wrote. she gave me permission to write this, thanks babe. 
> 
> I listened to a bunch of linkin park and five finger death punch while writing this, so dedicated to chester benningfeild, i guess. RIP.

When Spock was four, his brother had decided he was insane. 

Sybok loved him of course, but he didn’t quite agree with Spock’s tendency to climb things just because their there. 

As soon as Spock learned to walk, he tried to learn to climb. They lived on a fifth floor apartment with no elevator, and even when he was barely a year old and toddling he found being carried up the stairs embarrassing. So he learned to climb the stairs, and then he learned to climb onto the couch, and then the countertops. 

And then the stair railing.

Mother hated that last activity, so he never did it when she or father were home. And Michael would tell mother. But Sybok lets him be, even if he thinks he’s crazy. 

Spock was unafraid. He never fell.

 

* * *

 

When Spock was six someone ripped off his hat for the first time and saw the deformities of his ears. The entire  _ schoolyard  _ teamed up to call him a freak. 

Spock climbed up a fence and ran along the top of it to escape the beating. He did this consistently for the next 20 years. 

During that time, he climbed things no man should ever climb, went into hiding no less than 6 times, got into a fight with his father and never bothered to go back home, switched cities 7 times exactly, and on one memorable occasion got arrested for climbing the side of a building.

Spock was always unafraid. He never fell.  
  


* * *

 

 

When Spock’s 26, he met James Kirk. 

He joined the circus. 

He spent his nights performing for adoring crowds, dancing above their heads.

Spock’s never been happier. 

Here he was, in a profession where he could climb as high as he wanted, didn’t need to wear his hat, was happy and satisfied-

_ Of course,  _ he thought as he glanced at back stage from his spot on the trapeze, seeing Jim gaze at him fondly,  _ the perks aren’t bad.  _

Spock released the bar, and executed a perfect flip as he hooked his leg over the other swinging bar, and then another mid air twist to land on the platform on his hands. The crowd cheered, and Spock grinned, bringing his legs down so his feet rested on the tightrope. He pushed himself to his feet, and then cartwheeled forward a little. The crowd oohed and ahhed as he danced across the tightrope, doing a handspring and then sinking into a split in the center of his rope for his finale as the music ended. 

The crowd applauded, and Spock didn't bother to get up from his split before waving. The spotlight stayed on him as Jim ran to the center of the ring. Spock clenched his thighs and raised himself off the rope enough to grab it before swinging down, hanging from the rope with one hand. 

“Give it up one more time for the flying man- Spock Grayson!” Jim shouted, and the crowd cheered again. Spock grinned, waving once more before going hand over hand back to the platform and climbing up onto it. The spotlight move away from him as Jim introduced Hikaru and Pavel’s joint comedy act, and Spock slid down the ladder fireman style in the dark. 

He landed safely on the ground, and rushed to jump out of the ring and get to the backstage area. 

Their current setup consisted of two tents, connected by a tunnel. The backstage area was just inside the tunnel, but all the animals and actual spaces for them to relax were in the second tent, which was much smaller than the large one.

Jim had taken to calling the large tent the “big top”, Spock liked the name, it sounded fancy.

Spock gratefully darted through the tunnel to the little tent, high fiving Scotty as he passed. He didn’t even acknowledge any of the others before going over to Leonard, who was ready with a pack fresh out of boiling water. He carefully wrapped it in a towel, then handed it to Spock. 

Spock accepted it with a quiet thank you and pressed it against his right hip, sighing in relief. He wasn’t as young as he used to be, and his joints were getting an increasing habit of rebelling against him. Whatever, he could ignore it. 

Mostly.

Leonard grumbled something, no doubt about his rigorous practice schedule, but Spock ignored him. He’d rather be sore and well trained then dead because he broke his neck falling from his trapeze. 

Not that he was scared. He never fell. 

“Spock!” Jim called from the mouth of the tunnel, Spock glanced over his shoulder and grinned as Jim ran over and pressed a quick kiss to his temple. 

“That was fantastic, sweetheart,” Jim murmured into his skin, and Spock closed his eyes happily, using the hand not holding the hot pack to twine his fingers with Jim’s. 

“Mm, you gonna be good to go back out?” Jim asked, and Spock nodded, moving the hotpack so it was pressed against his shoulders. Leonard was preparing more hot towels, he could hear it behind him. 

“Oh, by the way,” Jim stepped back, “there’s a young african american lady here with a pair of asian folks and a white woman. They told the ticket guy they knew you?”

_ A young african american lady.  _

“Michael?” Spock breathed, feeling the hotpack drop from his hand in shock. He stepped away from Jim, eyes widening, “You’re certain they said they knew me?”

Jim nodded, and suddenly Spock couldn’t care less about his sore muscles. He pulled away from Jim to run back through the tunnel. He stopped short of the ring, still hidden in the darkness, but able to scan the illuminated crowd. He looked around frantically, trying to pick them out in the crowd. 

A white women, a black girl, and two japanese guys walk into a circus.  _ Amanda Grayson, Michael Burnham, and Sarek and Sybok Nogazaki  _ walk into a circus. 

Yep, still just as bad a joke as before.

“Spock?” Jim whispered in his ear, having followed him. Scotty, who was helping with the lighting like always, gave him a strange look.    
And then, he caught a glimpse of a man with a long ponytail and a scraggly beard, so helplessly rugged and american on his japanese features, especially in comparison to his clean shaven father and brother. 

Spock’s heart jumped into his throat as he saw the man laugh at Pavel’s tricks, recognizing the light in those eyes anywhere.  _ Sybok.  _ He had no doubts in his mind even years after seeing him last. That was his brother, his sister was next to them. And on his other side was his father, not laughing with the rest, but at least intrigued. 

And next to him…

“That’s my mother,” spock whispered, feeling like he would cry, “Jim my family is actually  _ here-’ _

Jim touched his shoulder. Spock tore his eyes away from his family, from the million questions they brought with them and the sheer surprise not only that they were here, that they were  _ all  _ here, but the surprise at how good it felt to see them- He looked at Jim. 

Jim was grinning, looking happy for him, and whispered “What seat are they in?”

Spock glanced back out, finding them again in a second. He did a quick count, and whispered “Seats six through ten, third row, stand 4.” 

“Want me to invite them backstage?”

Spock was certain that if he hugged his siblings right now he wouldn’t be able to go back out and fly with Scotty’s machines, or do the finale. He looked at Jim, “after the show, can we?”

“I have the perfect idea,” Jim said, eyes gleaming. Then he faltered, “babe, do they know that…?”

“I’m queer,” Spock shook his head, and Jim frowned- probably at the casual use of the slur than at the acknowledgement that no, he hadn’t been able to look his father in the eye and tell him  that he was uninterested in a japanese wife. 

Poor t’pring. 

“Got it, I’ll make sure I don’t act like… y’know.”

_ Like your my everything.  _ Spock smiled to himself. 

“I’ll let Hikaru and Ben know,” Spock said, “but Scotty and Ny are fine. They couldn’t care less about that stuff.”

“Okay- Spock?” Spock glanced back and Jim tugged him forward for a kiss. Spock grinned into it. Jim pulled away and bumped foreheads with him, “You were  _ gorgeous  _ out there.” 

Spock smiled at him, eyes closed. And then he got an idea and his eyes snapped open.

“Hey Jim, can I try that new triple twirl I’ve been doing in practice for the finale?” he asked, and Jim glanced down at him, a frown playing on his lips. 

“You sure? You usually like to get it right a few times before you do it for people.”

“I’ve done it right!” 

“Yeah, twice.” Jim looked concerned, “you sure your ready?” 

“I’m fine, Jim,” Spock replied, mildly irritated. “I’ve never fallen when I didn’t mean to, you know that.”

He hated that Jim wore boots during shows, making him taller than Spock. This argument would be so much easier if Jim was in bare feet like he was and still shorter than him. 

Nonetheless, Jim sighed, blue eyes going soft. He brushed a hand across Spock’s cheek, muttering “you  _ know  _ I can’t deny you anything when you look at me like that. Fine, you can do it during the finale. Because your parents are here.” 

Spock beamed, and Jim smiled at him, kissed his forehead, and walked away. 

Spock went back to Leonard, needing to rest and relax his muscles. He’d only let Jim see his newest trick, and he was more than ready for others to see it too.

The new trick consisted of him jumping off his trapeze bar, doing a flip, and then a triple twirl in mid air before catching himself on the tightrope and doing another three backflips before landing on his feet. He’d managed it a couple times in practice, Sybok would get a kick out of it. He grinned, excited. 

He started rubbing his thighs and arms, resting hot towels provided by Leonard on his joints and sitting down to meditate and prepare himself mentally. 

After the show, he’d get to hug his brother, and his sister. And he’d get to see his  _ mother.  _ His father would probably actually  _ talk to him.  _ And later, he’d get to make love with Jim and just- god, his life was  _ perfect. _

He smiled as he went back out to dance while Nyota sang, and then swing from the trapeze while Scotty’s inventions flew around him- his father would definitely enjoy  _ that _ bit of it.

Scotty liked to say that someday he’d make a flying machine Spock could hang from. Spock had no doubt that it would happen someday. 

Then,  _ finally,  _ the finale rolled around. 

Everyone came back out for the final act, doing their own tricks in turn. Spock was swinging from his trapeze happily when the moment arrived. 

The lights were on him, Spock grinned, and he jumped.  _ Flip, one, two, twirl, use your momentum, bring your arm out- _

Sound rushed away until all he was left with was the ringing in his ears. Pain shot up his arm as he moved it, something in his shoulder clenching painfully, he heard his own gasp as if it was the only sound in the world, but he pushed through it.

But it was too late.

The pain caused him to twist mere  _ centimeters  _ to the side.

The lights faded, and it seemed as if the world moved in slow motion as his fingers brushed the rope and the safety of it, but weren’t close enough to get any grasp. He saw the rope fly away from him, the wind against his neck as he-

He twisted again, trying to reach up and grab it only to realize it was so far out of his reach, it was feet above him and jesus how fast was he- 

He connected with the ground foot first. 

Pain went up his heel like a live wire, and the rest of his body hit the ground, knocking the wind out of him and sending pain through his entire body.

The world blotted out for a few seconds as his head connected with the ground beneath him. When his vision cleared he saw the rope above him, tiny as a line on paper. His ears were ringing, and he couldn’t feel his fingers. 

His leg was on fire, and he tried to pick his head up-  _ ow,  _ bad idea. He laid his head down again, only to find that hurt too. He was laying in a sticky puddle,  _ who’d spilled water on the floor someone would slip and- _

The pain in his leg somehow doubled, and the ringing in is ears got louder. There were shapes in front of his eyes, but he couldn’t make them out. He needed to see his leg. 

He grit his teeth, picked up his head and felt the shrill ringing mix with a dull roar as he forced his head up to see-

_ Oh.  _

His leg wasn’t on fire. 

It was twisted wrong, so wrong, his knee shouldn’t bend like that. 

He was also fairly sure that the sharp jagged  _ thing  _ sticking out of his thigh, coated in blood but white underneath, was his thigh bone. 

It was at this point that he realized the ringing in his ears was not ringing, but himself, screaming in pain. 

His head fell, unsupported by his neck and hit the ground and  _ oh god,  _ that made it worse. The slow motion feeling of- the world sped up again, suddenly going too fast, and everything blurry became crystal clear. 

Leonard was moving over him, Nyota was crying, screaming,  _ was she hurt too,  _ the audience was yelling,  _ too loud too loud tooloud,  _ and everything just kept speeding up, getting faster and faster-

Jim’s face appeared, his mouth moving, but Spock couldn’t hear him over his own screaming. 

Jim’s eyes were blue blue  _ blue  _ and they were filled with tears and he’d lost his hat, his hair was falling in his face, he looked  _ terrified,  _ and oh, Spock should have been scared too but he never-

He never got scared because he never-

It’s too much it’s all too much because he-

His vision darkens, and suddenly he’s terrified,  _ why isn’t jim saving him,  _ he- 

He-

He fell, down down down, until the world was a tiny speck in his dark vision. He fell he fell he fell, it echoed like a taunt, just as bad as the ones about his ears when he was six.  _ You fell you fell you fell.  _

Jim would-

_ Jim-  _

What was a jim? What was a spock? What was anything?

He fell fell fell, until he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for some of that period typical racism in this chapter folks, and some medical bullshit. I'm not a nurse yet, don't yell at me for inaccuracies. Also I know this was 2 chapters a while ago but it was supposed to be one chapter at first so.
> 
> Dedicated to Zoe Saldana, bc k w e e n

Jim decided that working in a tent was a horrible idea. 

Seriously, who’s bright idea was it to park his place of business, which was  _ full  _ of dangerous things, a full half hour away from the nearest hospital?

Oh right, his.  _ Stupid stupid stupid.  _

Stupid for his location, stupid for never insisting on a net, stupid for starting the entire circus in the first place. 

Stupid for letting Spock-

Nyota had given him a bucket, and Jim groaned and clutched it under his chin again. Scotty ran a hand down Jim’s spine. 

The circus owned a small carriage, which they all used for day trips and such. Jim had  _ wanted  _ to follow the ambulance immidiately, as soon as it left, but he’d had to get everyone out of his stupid tent, and make sure all the animals were good, and deal with angry parents who claimed he’d scarred their children, and the doctors who’d come with the ambulance had used words like infection, surgery,  _ amputation- _

Jim spit the bile in his mouth into the bucket, inhaling sharply and sobbing. God he couldn’t  _ breathe,  _ how could he breathe when Spock might-

He inhaled sharply and let out a particularly loud sob that had Scotty grabbing his arm again. “It’s okay,” he said helplessly, trying to reassure both him, and Nyota, who was still sobbing into his shoulder, “It’s okay. McCoy’s with ‘im, he’ll be-  _ fine,  _ he will be-”

Jim couldn’t believe him, not when Pavel looked so frightened. Not when Bones had looked so grim. Not when he’d  _ watched Spock fall  _ out of the fucking air, limp as a rag doll. 

Not when it was his fucking fault. 

Oh god,  _ Spock fell.  _ Spock actually  _ fell.  _

Jim sobbed helplessly, but thinking it at least helped him breathe a little. It was horrible, he fell he fell he fell, but he was still alive when the ambulance had arrived. 

Jim closed his eyes, trying to breathe. But the moment he closed them, Spock’s  _ screams  _ filled his ears, and Jim snapped them open again, feeling his stomach recoil and god, there wasn’t anything left for him to throw up. 

“We’re here!” Hikaru shouted from the front, and Jim managed to be the first one out the carriage door, leaving his bucket inside. 

It was  _ freezing  _ out, and  _ oh god, Spock hates the cold, please tell me they put a blanket on him, something, they have to keep Spock warm.  _

Nyota had to guide him inside, apparently his feet wouldn’t work. Then they stopped. 

Hikaru grabbed his shoulder before they went inside, eyes…  _ pitying.  _ No, why were they pitying him, he hadn’t lost anyone yet, right?

“Jim,” Hikaru said, voice rough with emotion, “I can’t imagine how hard this is.”

No, he couldn't. Ben was back at the circus, getting stragglers off their property. Jim went to go inside, but Hikaru’s hand tightened on his shoulder. 

_ “Jim,”  _ He pressed, eyes serious, “I  _ know  _ you love Spock, so can  _ anyone  _ who looks at you right now.”

Somehow, Jim’s fear-stricken mind gets it. 

Everyone inside this hospital think’s Jim’s Spock’s boss. 

Jim’s behaving like Spock’s lover. 

_ Shit.  _

Jim took a shaky breath, nodding.  _ Pull it together, Kirk.  _ He wiped his face on his coat sleeve- he’s still wearing the red suit, the same color as Spock’s-  _ no.  _

He wiped his eyes, and Nyota reached down and took some snow in her gloved hand. She gently pressed it to his cheeks so his whole face was flushed, instead of just his eyes. Scotty handed him a dirty handkerchief so he can blow his nose. 

Pavel gave him a quick hug, a warm hug, and Jim exhaled slowly, trying to soothe is racing heartbeat and rolling stomach. 

“Okay?” he croaked, figuring that an employer is allowed to sound emotional when his employee is- hurt. The other four nod- he’s apparently collected himself to their satisfaction. They finally go inside. 

A friendly nurse directed them to a waiting room, Jim spotted Bones first. 

The good doctor rose from his seat, giving Jim a quick hug. “He’s still in surgery,” he explained, “they won’t let me help.”

“Is he-” Jim began, then faltered. There are too many questions he could ask.  _ Is he gonna be okay, is he awake, is he angry, is he even alive- _

“Is he gonna lose the- the-?” he can’t finish the sentence, but Bones blessedly understood what he was asking. He stepped back, looking grim. 

“I won’t lie, the chances aren’t great,” he explained, “It’s… it’s a really bad break. On the off chance he didn’t destroy the nerves in his thigh, the tearing of the muscles alone might render it useless. It’s too early to tell- if it’s necessary for saving his life, then yeah, they’ll have to amputate, but if they have a choice they’ll ask his listed next of kin.” 

He blinked a bit, “Speaking of which-”

He gestured to the side, and Jim saw four people sitting against the wall. 

_ An african american, a white woman, and two asian folks.  _ Spock’s family must’ve followed the ambulance. Jim knew he needed to talk to them, apologize- maybe they’d be angry with him for endangering their son. He certainly deserved it. 

Swallowing, he braced himself and went over. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Grayson?” he asked, and the white woman looked up from where she was comforting the african american woman. 

“You’re the ringmaster,” she said softly, “you work with Spock.” 

That got all  _ four  _ sets of eyes on him, and Jim swallowed, nodding. “I, I just wanted to say I’m sorry-”

“You  _ should be,”  _ The younger asian man hissed, eyes full of righteous fury. Mrs. Grayson glanced at him “Sybok-”

“No!” Sybok growled, “This guy’s the reason Spock was up there! He’s the reason he’s hurt!”

_ “Sybok-” _

“No ma’am,” Jim interrupted softly, feeling his stomach roll again, “he’s right. I let Spock go up there. 

Mrs. Grayson fell silent, and the older man- Mr. Grayson, he supposed, looked at him like he could see deep into Jim’s soul. 

“May I ask,” the african american woman began, “why he didn’t have a net?”

Jim’s stomach gave a sharp lurch, “Spock always insisted he didn’t need one.” he explained shakily, “when I tried to put one up he, he sabotaged it.”

Her eyes closed as if pained,  _ “idiot,”  _ she said softly, “but stubborn. That’s… that’s just like him, isn’t it?”

“Indeed,” Said the older man quietly. “Spock is very stubborn.”

Mrs. Grayson raised a hand to her mouth, looking like she would start crying, “Oh  _ sarek,  _ what if we hadn’t-”

The older man, Sarek, took his wife’s elbow and hugged her, hushing her softly. 

Jim sighed, sensing the conversation was over, and sat in a chair by bones, placing his head between his knees.

_ Dammit Spock. _

 

* * *

 

It was hours before a doctor walked in, hands still bloody, and said “excuse me, are all of you here for Spock No-gah-zake Grayson?”

“It’s Nogazaki,” Sybok corrected, rising as everyone else did. The doctor looked like he couldn’t care less, nodding and glancing at his clipboard. “And is there a James Kirk here?”

Jim frowned, had Spock asked for him? He stepped forward, nodding “That’s me, sir.”

The doctor nodded again, holding out a hand. “My name is Doctor Ogenwell, I operated on your employee. You’re listed as legal next of kin.”

_ What? _

Jim blinked at him like the man just spoke russian. “But I’m, I’m not family.”

Dr. Ogenwell looked like a man who’d had this conversation before. “Legal next of kin isn’t family, you can list it as anyone. You’re listed as Mr… Grayson’s.” He explained, not even attempting Spock’s other last name. 

Jim felt someone glaring at him, and hoped that if Sybok decided to murder him he would wait until this whole ordeal was dealt with. 

“Fine,” Jim said, nodding, “is he okay?”

Dr. Ogenwell looked down at his clipboard again. “He’s out of surgery, for now.”

“And his-” Jim swallowed, “his leg?”

“We haven’t amputated it, it’ll depend on if the body rejects the screws we put in or not- He’s amazingly lucky, he didn’t tear a single nerve when his femur broke. It was a clean break too, lowers the likelihood of the screws rejecting.”

Jim felt relief overcome in so suddenly he thought he would fall, “So he’ll be okay?”

“Not exactly,” Ogenwell continued, and the relief was sucked away like it was never there. The doctor looked seriously at him, “Mr. Kirk, you understand he’s within his rights to sue you, right?”

Honestly, that was at the bottom of Jim’s worries. He nodded, “please continue.”

“We’ve stitched the muscles of his back together, but it’ll be a long time before they heal well enough for him to use them. The damage to his spinal cord and neck was extensive, and while there were no breaks the spraining will undoubtedly hamper movement. The concussion was traumatic, and he is  _ incredibly  _ lucky he didn’t pierce his lungs or sustain any brain damage.”

_ Brain damage.  _ Jim hadn’t even  _ thought  _ about the pool of blood beneath Spock’s head. He could have been  _ brain damaged.  _

Jim tried, for a second, to imagine Spock being unable to do math, or come up with all those quips of his. Jim decided that the image was too horrible to bear. 

“So what’s the main issue then, if none of that is it?” Jim asked, feeling his throat tighten. 

“The break in his leg,” Ogenwell explained flatly, “it’s infected.”

Jim heard Mrs. Grayson gasp, and he felt dizzy. 

“Can we see him?” He asked, and Ogenwell shook his head. “I’m afraid that privilege  _ does  _ only go to family.”

The four rose behind him, and the doctor frowned. 

“Miss,” he said to Mrs. Grayson, “are you sure you want the  _ help  _ coming.”

Sybok growled, and Mrs. Grayson shook her head. “She’s our daughter, sir.”

“Oh,” Ogenwell frowned, “she doesn’t look like a mutt.”

_ “She  _ can hear you,” the woman in question griped. “We want her to come with us.” Sarek said, and the doctor rolled his eyes, nodding and waving for them to follow him. 

Jim was frozen to the spot 

“Jim?” Hikaru asked quietly. Jim swallowed, “I… I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be allowed to see him.”

Bones came over and rested a hand on his shoulder. “As soon as he recovers a bit and gets moved out of intensive care, you will be. Jim, this is good news. He still has his leg, the infection will probably get taken care of easily.”

“Yeah,  _ probably.”  _ Jim swallows. “Bones, I-”

“You stop that,” Bones said “Spock’ll be fine. But for right now, there’s nothing left for us to do. We should go home.”

“But-”

“Some rest’ll do you good, mate.” Scotty said, resting a hand on Jim’s shoulder. “After all, we do have a show tomorrow...”

“Oh god, the show. No one’s gonna wanna come see it after  _ this  _ gets out.” Jim groaned, and Bones shrugged, “don’t be so quick to think so. An incident like this is free publicity.”

Jim glared at him, and Nyota frowned “Boys, your not honestly suggesting we go on without Spock, are you?”

“It’s what he would want,” Hikaru said, “the show must go on and all. Besides,” he grimaced “there’s gonna be a hospital bill to pay.” 

Jim ducked his head, breathing shakily. He nodded. 

“Let’s go home.”    
  


* * *

 

 

The next night, Jim was both surprised and unsurprised to find the seats packed. 

He watched them fill up, then crossed across the tunnel to the group. He was tired, so tired, he hadn’t slept a blink last night. 

Every time he closed his eyes he saw Spock. Broken, bleeding Spock. 

_ Spock fell. _

_ His fault. _

Jim shook himself and whistled, getting everyone’s attention. 

“Okay everybody, the ballots are in and for the audience’s choice song, Nyota, they want Tightrope-“

Nyota gasped, Jim glanced at her but she shook her head, eyes closed. 

“... and, um, well… that’s it, honestly. Scotty, your up first, Nyota, your on deck.”

He turned, and went back out to introduce the show.

His usual exuberance was fake, he could tell it and that meant the audience could too. The applause was quieter, the smiles were missing,  _ god Spock fell yesterday,  _ and it didn’t have the usual energy of the show. 

Scotty’s Mechanical Marvels got a few cheers out of people, but it the flying machines didn’t have quite the effect without the flying man.  _ Spock fell.  _ The light show wasn’t as pretty either.

Scotty finished up, and Jim went back to the center of the ring. “Let’s hear it one more time for Scotty and his Mechanical Marvels!” he called and the crowd cheered weakly. Jim sighed, swallowing, “well, uh, tough crowd, huh folks?”

Some people laughed, but it wasn’t a funny joke. Jim sighed, he was no good at acting anyhow. “Well everybody, I know who you really came here to see! May I present, the singing queen of Kenya! The musical goddess of Essex! The Songbird of San Francisco, Nyota Uhura!”

He stepped to the side, and the crowd cheered. Jim looked back,

And he realized his mistake. 

Nyota typically wore blue when she was going to sing Tightrope, to match the other half of the act. Tightrope had always been preformed by Nyota,  _ and  _ by Spock. 

Today, Nyota was decked out in a matte black dress, hair loose down her back. Nyota was all about bright colors, vibrant looks. 

Today, she looked stunning. But she was dark.

The music started, a haunting piano. 

_ “Some people long for a life that’s simple, and kind… tied with a ribbon.”  _ Nyota sang, but it was hollow, lonely. 

Jim felt sick again. 

_ God baby, you’re not here. How can I keep trying to convince myself you’re here. You’re not here. _

_ “But I’d risk it all… just to be with you… and I’d-”  _ Nyota faltered,  _ “I’d-”  _

She choked. 

Jim watched in horror as Nyota’s eyes welled up with tears, as the crowd started murmuring. 

The chorus started up, and Nyota swallowed  _ “H- High in the sky, and we swore that we’d- we’d never- let  _ go-” She sobbed,  _ “Walking a- a tightrope-  _ oh  **god!”**

Nyota fell to her knees, and Scotty ran out to comfort her. She started sobbing into her hands hair falling around her as the audience started to boo. 

And suddenly, Jim was filled with anger. How dare these people  _ laugh?! _ Did they think it was a joke? Did they think that it was funny for them all to be grieving for their friend, their brother, their-

Jim ran out and started shouting “quit it! Quit laughing all of you! Get out! You heard me, show’s over, get outta here!”

People started getting angry, booing louder, and Jim clenched his teeth. “You all heard me perfectly well!  _ Get the fuck out!” _

People gasped at his vulgarity, jumping to their feet. Jim kept shouting, raving like a madman. “Get out! Get outta here! Show’s over! Get the hell out!”

And suddenly, people were on top of them. Scotty curled atop Nyota, but Jim was ready to fight. 

But he also hadn’t slept in over 24 hours.

Something smashed him over the head, and Jim blacked out.


	3. Chapter 3

_ Jim was laying under a tree. It was night, the wind was blowing softly around them.  _

_ “I spy, with my little eye… a bird.” Jim said. He could feel Spock’s smile against his bare shoulder-  _

_ “Cygnus,” he guessed, “the swan. Those stars right there.” _

_ “You’re too good at this,” Jim laughed, and Spock kissed the skin he’d been cuddling against, then rolled over so he was using Jim as a pillow. Jim sighed, closing his eyes. He was content to stay like this forever, cuddling with Spock and looking at the stars.  _

_ “Mm… Hey Jim?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Why’d you let me do it?” _

_ “Huh?” Jim opened his eyes, and he saw the ceiling of his big top, no stars to be seen.  _

_ “Why? Why’d you let me do it? Why? Why jim!?” _

_ No no no- _

_ Jim sat up, and looked down.  _

_ Spock’s eyes were empty, blood seeping from the where the back of his head was spattered across the dirt, and his neck was broken. His leg was gone, and a broken rib had impaled is heart. But his mouth was moving.  _

_“WHY’D YOU LET ME DO IT, WHY’D YOU LET ME FALL, WHY’D YOU L_ ** _ET_** **_ME FALL J I M-”_**

He woke up.

 

* * *

  
  


It’s been a few years, but Jim still could recognize the inside of a holding cell when he saw one. 

He sighed, rubbing the lump on his head. He could only imagine what he’d been hit with. He didn’t feel any stitches, so it wasn’t anything sharp.

_ Hey look sweetheart, we match,  _ Jim thought darkly. God, he wanted Spock. He desperately, intensely just wanted to see Spock. 

“Jim,” someone said, and he looked up to see Bones standing outside. Jim sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. “Scotty and Nyota?” he croaked, voice thick with sleep.

“They’re fine. You got punched on the head and then arrested for disturbing the peace and vulgarity.” Bones sighed, “we had to refund  _ all  _ the tickets last night, police orders. It was either that or get fined.”

Jim winced, “I guess we don’t have bail money then?”

Bones cleared his throat, “we’re… working on it.”

Then he ducked his head, and then looked at Jim, “Spock’s awake.”

Jim froze. 

_ He’s awake.  _

“Is he-” Jim swallowed, “Is he-”

“He’s still got a fever, but his body doesn't seem to be rejecting the screws.” Bones cleared his throat, “Jim he’s got no feeling to his leg.”

Jim turned to stare at him “Ogenwell said there was no nerve damage.”

“Even so, this is a big trauma. Jim…” Bones’ eyes were sad, “we can’t have another night like last night.”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked, and Bones sat down on the bench across from Jim’s cell, sighing. 

“Jim, you gotta understand, Spock’s lucky he still has his  _ leg.  _ The chances of him even  _ walking  _ again are below fifty percent-” Bones leveled him with a hard look, and Jim knew what was coming next. He dreaded it, shaking his head.  _ God, tell me I didn’t take that away from him. Tell me I didn’t take his- _

“He’s never gonna fly again, Jim. There’s no way he can go on a tightrope.”

Jim pressed his hand to his mouth and let out a quiet sob.  _ Oh god. What have I done? _

“I’m sorry, Jim, I’ll try and gather some bail money, but when you get outta here, we gotta talk about our options.” Bones stood up, and Jim sat there, sobbing quietly into his hands.

He took away Spock’s wings. 

_ His fault.  _   
  


* * *

 

 

The tears have dried marginally when a cop came to open the door and guide Jim out of holding. 

He expected to see Bones standing in holding, signing for his bail. 

Instead, he saw a man he’d never met, chatting amicably with the cops. 

Jim frowned and walked forward, “you paid my way out?”

The man turned, and nodded “James Kirk? Christopher Pike.” 

He held out a hand, and Jim took it, shaking it, “Have we met?”

“Not directly. I’m something of a fan of yours.”

“Well not that I’m not grateful, but what is a fan of mine doing paying my bail?” 

Pike smiled a bit, and then said “come take a walk with me.”

Jim frowned, but nodded, following him out of the precinct. Pike handed Jim his bag of personal effects as he walked. They’d taken Jim’s hat, and a bracelet of his that Spock had given him, even if no one else knew that. Jim put his top hat back on his head, pausing to put on his bracelet as Pike bought a paper, tipping his own hat at the paper boy. 

“Quite the disaster last night, you’ve made the front page again.”

“I do that alot,” Jim sighed, wishing that he could be on the front page for saving a kitten or something instead of for starting a fist fight. Just  _ once,  _ it would be nice. Pike chuckled, nodding. “I’ve been following your little circus project since the beginning. You’re an infamous man.”

“Clearly,” Jim muttered. He really,  _ really  _ wanted to go see Spock. He appreciated this Pike fellow bailing him out, truly, but he just needed to see him. 

“I’m not one to beat around the bush Mr. Kirk,” he looked over, “You’re not a young man any more, you’ve been in this business for 17 years. Have you given thought to your future?”

“My future?” Jim asked, not liking where this conversation was going. 

Pike turned to look at him, “Mr. Kirk, I am very interested in buying Enterprise circus.”

Jim clenched a first, feeling his chest tighten. This wasn’t his first offer, it probably wouldn’t be his last. “She’s not for sale,” he bit out instinctively, except- was she though? Spock was their star act and according to Bones he couldn’t  _ fly  _ anymore, not to mention if he was pissed enough at Jim  _ (his fault his fault)  _ he might sue them for all they were worth. 

No,  _ no,  _ Jim couldn’t sell his circus. That was his baby, the idea that had brought him everything that made him happy, the idea that had brought him…

Spock. Who couldn’t do what he loved anymore.

“I’ll tell you what,” Pike said, handing him a business card, “why don’t you get back to me? I’m in town for the next few months.”

“What do you do that takes you out of town?” Jim asked, honestly curious. 

“I take interesting acts around the country on a train,” Pike smiled, “Just think, a  _ traveling  _ circus. Good day, Mr. Kirk.”

Jim stared, wondering what the hell had just happened. No way, no way he was actually considering it… 

_ Right?  _

Jim only realized he wasn’t breathing when his lungs started to burn, and then he inhaled so sharply it made his throat hurt. 

Suddenly, it was too much. 

Spock falling, the fight,  _ this,  _ too much, too much- 

Jim’s feet automatically carried him to the hospital. When he got there he just started walking through the halls, not letting the nurses stop him. Intensive care be damned, he just needed to  _ see  _ him. See his eyes, his hair, his breathing. No words needed to be said, he didn’t even need to enter the room. Just get a visual that wasn’t Spock, broken on the ground as Jim ran towards him.

He stopped outside a particular room. The door was open. 

Spock was talking with his family, propped up on a metric ton of pillows and smiling tiredly. His eyes moved sluggishly, but when they locked on Jim’s they widened- 

Not with repulsion, or fear as Jim had thought. The same way they always had. They widened with love and trust and joy. 

Sybok followed his brother’s line of sight, and his eyes narrowed. “Hey, family only. Get outta here.”

Spock’s parents and sister also looked up at him. 

And then Spock croaked, in a whispery voice that was so different from his usual tone, “Mother, can I please be alone with Jim?”

He sounded like a small child, and his mother locked eyes with him for a long moment. 

And suddenly, Jim thought she knew. 

“Sarek,” she said curtly, “let’s go see about the bill.”

“Very well, Mr. kirk, you will just have to-”

“Sarek,” She said again,  _ “the bill.” _

Sarek blinked at her, and she tilted her head. “I’m sure Mr. Kirk can keep Spock company for  _ ten minutes.”  _

She stressed the time. Of course, wouldn’t want the doctors getting any wrong ideas. His mother rose, Sarek followed. “Michael, Sybok, come along.”

Michael rose, but Sybok stayed put, glaring at his brother like some sort of lion protecting his cub. 

“Sy,” Spock croaked. Sybok looked from Jim, to Spock, to Jim again. 

“Ten minutes,” he said, rising slowly. “Don’t you  _ dare  _ make him upset, Kirk.”

Jim stepped in, his family stepped out, and the door clicked shut behind them. Spock sighed. “Forgive my brother, he’s spent so long protecting me and Michael from people he can’t really switch it off.”

Jim couldn’t speak. Spock was awake, breathing, alive, beautiful-

“I guess your mad at me,” Spock said softly, and Jim’s brain short circuited, “makes sense. I got myself hurt, I’m sorry, I-”

And then, Jim let out a strangled cry and threw himself at Spock, falling to his knees next to the bed. 

Spock blinked helplessly, “Jim?! What’s wrong with-”

_ “Forgive me,”  _ Jim said, voice horse and rough, “Oh my god, I’m so-  _ ‘m so sorr-  _ I can’t- I- I-  _ oh god-” _

“Jim,  _ Jim,  _ hey-” Spock reached for him, and Jim grabbed his hand with both of his. 

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered, “I’m  _ sorry,  _ I, I shouldn’t have-”

“I  _ convinced  _ you to let me up there,” Spock said seriously, “You knew I wasn’t ready and I changed your mind, if your at fault then so am I.”

Jim swallowed, shaking his head. Spock wasn’t at fault, Spock was in a hospital bed, Spock was-

Spock reached down with his other hand to Cup Jim’s cheek and thumb away the tears, even as his own eyes became wet.

“I  _ love  _ you,” he whispered lowly, “I love you so much, I’m so sorry, but  _ I’m okay,  _ I swear, I’m gonna be okay, okay?”

“Okay,” Jim croaked, cupping the hand on his cheek and kissing the palm- hardened from years of grabbing ropes and trapeze bars, the skin was warm and calloused, but so supremely  _ Spock  _ that Jim felt his eyes flutter closed in relief.  _ Okay, it was okay now. _

But next time it might not be. 

Jim exhaled softly, not opening his eyes as he said “I’m selling the circus.”

Jim felt more than saw Spock freeze, fingers stopping in their caresses and body tensing. 

“You’re  _ what?”  _ Spock asked, and Jim opened his eyes. “Because of- Because of  _ me?”  _

Jim shrugged a bit, “Because of everything. We’re not in our twenties and thirties sweetheart, we’ve been at this for 17 years and you’re gonna be forty soon.”

Spock was shaking his head, eyes steadily filling with tears, “no, no, Jim-”

Jim stood and sat on the edge of his bed, squeezing Spock’s hands, “I think this is our wakeup call sweetheart. You’re lucky to be here, lucky to still have your leg, let’s not push it-”

“The circus is my  _ home,”  _ Spock whispered, “And flying is- I can come back from this, I  _ can.” _

“And I don’t doubt you will,” Jim said, because honestly, the idea of Spock not flying again made no sense, “but not for money. Not me. Not for anyone else but yourself. And not at the circus. My mind is made up, honey.”

Spock choked on a sob, and Jim leaned forward to gently hug him close. 

They stayed like that for a long while. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONE DONE DONE TAKE THIS EPILOGUE AND LET ME SUFFER THROUGH MY THREE HOUR PSYCH CLASS.
> 
> Dedicated to catie, I love you.

The house was very large.

It had been almost a full year since Mr. Pike came into the lives of the members of Enterprise Cirque. In that time the gates had remained closed, while the people behind them reinvented themselves. 

Nyota still sang for people, whenever asked and sometimes for money. Scotty was working on projects in hollywood, Pavel had found a job at a zoo. 

And now, they were all buying a house. 

Well, Jim had bought a house. A large one, near the area where he’d grown up- the same one he always said he’d buy. The rest of them were moving in so they could pay the mortgage. 

Not that Pike’s very generous offer wouldn’t keep them afloat for a while. 

In the year since the cirque’s last show- and apparently the final one with it’s original acts- Mr. Pike and Jim had spent a long time in negotiations, with Leonard spending a large deal of off hours acting as moderator/lawyer. They’d worked out various clauses that would give them some profits, and certain requirements of Pike’s ownership- he had to keep the original name, and even after people retired they had to keep showing the posters for every act that had taken the stage in the big top-  _ the circus is forever,  _ Jim would say,  _ and we made history.  _

Mr. Pike was surprisingly amicable, ready to agree to all the terms at the drop of a hat. He’d even agreed to let Pavel have a permanent backstage pass so he could visit his animal friends. 

He’d offered everyone a job, too- except Spock. 

A year spent in rehab had improved his mobility, but Spock still had a limp, and a large amount of pain should he twist the wrong way. His balance was better than ever, and his scars had faded. He had almost full range of motion, by some miracle, but his leg had a tendency to give out from under him. 

It had been a hard, tearful process, but Spock had reluctantly agreed that he would never be able to go on a trapeze again. 

So Spock had not been offered a job at the new Pike-owned cirque, that was unsurprising. 

What  _ was  _ surprising was the fact that everyone else turned him down. 

_ Together, or not at all.  _

Spock sighed, standing on the new second floor balcony of their new house. They’d gotten movers to move in the bigger things, beds and such, but now everyone was moving the large boxes of personal effects. Jim refused to let him carry anything, overprotective as he was, so Spock had taken himself up to the second floor to watch the others move. It was a hot summer day, Jim was missing his shirt, and damn, a year of lifting Spock up and down flights of stairs when he couldn’t walk them had  _ somehow  _ made Jim more muscular than before. 

And now, Jim was ignoring him. 

This had to be remedied. 

Spock smirked and glanced at the railing of the balcony. It was a long, large, marble slab, at least a foot wide. Spock hummed and pushed himself up so that he was sitting on the edge of it. He swung his legs over so that they dangled, looking down and grinning a bit. 

Screw it. 

He carefully pushed himself to his feet and walked, one foot in front of the other, across the railing. He wasn’t even swaying, and he admittedly did put weight on his left side, so if he  _ did  _ fall he’d fall four feet to the balcony and not ten feet to their new foyer.

_ “Spock!”  _ Jim shrieked, and Spock laughed, not bothering to look over at him. He was maybe a  _ little  _ cruel, but Jim should know by now that no one could stop him from climbing something if he wanted to. 

Besides, it worked. Jim came bounding up the stairs Spock was walking towards, and Spock grinned at him, waving. 

“Hi Jim,” Spock said when the blonde reached the landing. Jim glared at him, and Spock just laughed again, stopping so he stood still on the railing. 

“For the love of  _ god,”  _ Jim began, waggling his finger, and Spock rolled his eyes. He’d heard the speech, no point in hearing it again. Taking a few steps back, he ran forward, sprung off the railing and landed safely in Jim’s arms. 

They also both ended up on the ground. 

“You’re  _ really  _ bad at catching me,” Spock told him, and Jim looked immensely unamused. Spock rolled his eyes, “Oh c’mon, it’s a foot wide! I’ve walked on sidewalks thinner than that!”

“Why are you trying to scare me to death?” Jim asked dryly, and Spock shrugged, “because you won’t give me anything else to do.”

“You’re doing this because you’re  _ bored?” _

“Yep. I tried to tell you to let me move something.” 

“Oh I’ll give you something to move-”

Jim scooped him up and threw him over his shoulder, making Spock laugh. 

“Everyone take a lunch break and don’t bug us!” Jim shouted over his shoulder. “Pervert!” Nyota and Bones chorused, and Spock laughed again, letting Jim drag him off to bed. 

Who needed a trapeze when Jim made him feel like he flew every night? He was more than willing to fall when Jim was there to catch him anyhow. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're angry, come yell at me on Tumlr www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com
> 
> and go tell catie that she never should have let me write this on her tumblr www.victorian-sexstashe.tumblr.com
> 
> :3


End file.
